PREDICTIONS: Week 3 v Detroit

1: Marquez Manuel will be beat for 3 TDs today.

2: Ahman Green will have two fumbles in limited action.

3: Kevin Jones will have three fumbles. And 2,5 per carry.

4: Ahmad "Flagboy" Carroll will be penalized 5 times.

5: Morency will play, and look good. He will have 3.5 per carry, for 80 yards, filling in for Green.

6: Scott Wells will hold up against Shaun Rodgers.

7: Favre will be intercepted twice.

8: Packers recievers will drop more than five passes this week. TEs will be involved.

9: McCarthy will abandon the run.

10: McCarthy will focus on "explosive plays" on offense, rather than moving the chains. He will also claim to be running the "West Coast Offense." His excuse will be that he was attacking the rookie safety starting for Detroit today.

11: Mike Furrey will have a shot at a winning TD deep down the middle due to a blown coverage by Marquand Manuel, but Kitna won't be able to throw the ball far enough.

12: The Packers will play well on defense, "except for explosive plays."

13: Koren Robinson will look good. He will have 100 yards recieving. He'll take a kick return to the house.

14: Jennings will have 2 catches for less than 5 yards.

15: Driver will catch three balls while leaping high into the air. He will also have a TD.

16: Bubba Franks will have 3 drops and 2 fumbles. David Martin will be out with a strained vagina. Donald Lee will catch two passes deep down the middle.

17: The Packers will totally suck shit on third downs. They will repeatedly put themselves in "third and long" situations. And usually hand off to Green on a draw play in those situations.

18: Kitna is due for some INTs. They will be to Nick Collins, Al Harris and AJ Hawk. Kitna will be sacked 6 times today.

19: Rayner will miss two FGs. Ryan will shank one, but still average over 60 yards, with less than 2 seconds of hang time.

20: Packers will win a semi-close game. Detroit fans will tweak and start chanting FIRE MILLEN! They will refuse to leave the stadium for an hour after the game. Security will kick people out for holding up FIRE MILLEN signs.

21: Poppinga will struggle in pass coverage, but will show signs of improvement.

22: The Packers will go deep to Ruvell Martin twice, without completing either pass.

23: The game will hinge on mistakes, with both teams making plenty. The Packers will finally win at Detroit, but it won't be because they dominated field position, time of possession, were decent on third downs, or played mistake free football.

24: Detroit will be penalized more than Green Bay.

25: The Packers will still suck shit in cut blocking on the backside. They'll develop at it, but later in the year.

PREDICTIONS: Week 2 V Saints

1: Koren will take one to the house the first time he touches the ball.

2: Reggie Bush will take TWO to the house.

3: Ahman Green will have 150 yards, all purpose.

4: For some reason, McCarthy will, while claiming to run the WCO, continue to deploy the Mike Sherman "throw for 16 yards or more" philosophy, thus continuing to totally suck shit on 3rd down.

5: Colledge will hold up at guard.

6: Clifton (due to his gimpy knee) will allow two sacks.

7: Harris and Woodson will shut down Joe Horn.

8: Deuce McCallister will NOT get 3.5 per carry. Reggie Bush will make some big plays, but not consistently. He will be hit hard and repeatedly by Abdul Hodge, A.J. Hawk and Nick Collins. Possibly Ahmad Carroll too, who could Spy on him.

9: Ahmad "Flagboy" Carroll will have FOUR penalties called against him.

10: The Packers will throw deep to Ruvell Martin FOUR times, without success. Maybe they will draw a penalty on one.

11: The TEs will get involved this week, after spending last week in "max protect." They will make some plays down the middle.

12: Favre will NOT be involved in a QB sneak.

13: Last night I dreamed that Aaron Rodgers would be in the game. Call it a premonition.

14: Driver will make some plays, and will be regarded by Packer homers as "all world" as a result.

15: Greg Jennings will have 100+ yards of YAC.

16: Rayner will miss TWO FGs today. He will blame it on "the wind."

17: Ryan will average 65 yards per punt with a 2 second hang time.

18: Morency will look good in limited action from scrimmage and on kickoffs.

19: Robinson will make some plays in limited action from scrimmage. The crowd will applaud him when he converts a first down.

20: The game will hinge on THIRD DOWN conversions. Whichever team does better in this regard will win. That's what scares me.

21: There will be THREE interceptions today, between Nick Collins, Al Harris, Charles Woodson, Ahmad Carroll and A.J. Hawk.

22: Favre will be sacked twice. He'll get some pressure, but the run blocking should be all right, perhaps with Ahman Green making them look good with his ability.

23: The Packers will pressure Brees, forcing THREE ints. Poppinga will have a sack, but won't be relied on much in pass coverage.

24: The Packer Dline will knock down three passes today.

25: McCarthy gets his first victory today. There will still be stuff to work on, but the Packers will demonstrate competence in fundamentals and show that they have a solid foundation on which to build. Fans will freakin exhale. The Packers won't look great, but they will be decent.

PREDICTIONS: Week 1 v Bears

1: The guards will look like a fire drill at times.

2: The Packers will roll Favre out, use quick release, traps, screens, everything but rely on interior blocking.

3: The Pack will jump out to an early lead.

4: Jennings will have 100 yards, YAC.

5: Ahman will have at least 80 yards rushing, including one long run of at least 20 yards. MM will eventually abandon the run.

6: MM will make no mistakes in game management, except for abanding the run. "Short passes are like running plays to us," he will explain.

7: MM's game management skills will win 4 more games for the team this year than last year. Kicker Dave Rayner will cost us 3 close games.

8: DriveKILLer will have an average day, and will be made out to be a superhero as a result. He will drop at least TWO passes on third down.

9: Harris and Woodson will shut down all comers, despite Woodson's extensive shit sucking in the preason. Mushin will be catchless.

10: The Packers will have 5 turnovers. At least 3 will be INTs, by Nick Collins, Charles Woodson and Al Harris.

11: Poppinga and Hawk will reduce Wrex Grosswoman to a quivering pile of (broken) bones, early. It will be one of those "Joe Theismann" type injuries, with an audible "SNAP!" The Bears will end up trading him for Chad Pennington, in an effort to get more durability.

12: The special teams coverage will suck. The bears will get good field position all day and take one to the house.

13: Ryan will average 60 yards per punt, with a 2 second hang time, including one badass shank of 12-15 yards in a key situation. He will also have one punt blocked.

14: Hodge will hit people hard and repeatedly in relief action. He'll make Monday Night's "Jacked Up" segment.

15: Ahmad "Flagboy" Carroll will have 5 penatlies, 3 for defensive holding and 2 for taunting and generally dumbassery.

16: Ahman Green will funble 3 times, and will drop 5 passes.

17: My hot girlfriend will be topless by halftime. She'll be making me whiskey sours. Dave Wallen's "44 year old supermodel girlfriends" will be wearing Favre masks in his trailer.

18: We'll get to see Aaron Rodgers before the day is out. He will look good, if not great. But Favre will be back next week.

19: Robert Ferugson will puss out over the middle. Ruvell Martin will catch one deep. Jennings will have TWO big plays.

20: The Bears will repeatedly blitz, trying to take advantage of our rookie guards. They will be successful, but will get burned for some big plays by Favre, Driver, Jennings and Green. If Henderson can play, he will help stymie the blitz.

21: I'll forget to bring a blank DVD to my hot girlfriend's house, but she'll have one for me when I get there, so I'll be able to burn the game. Maybe we'll have a baby.

22: The Packers will have 6 (coverage) sacks today, including the one that ends Grosswoman's career.

23: Griese will be hungover.