PREDICTIONS: Week 1 v Bears

1: The guards will look like a fire drill at times.

2: The Packers will roll Favre out, use quick release, traps, screens, everything but rely on interior blocking.

3: The Pack will jump out to an early lead.

4: Jennings will have 100 yards, YAC.

5: Ahman will have at least 80 yards rushing, including one long run of at least 20 yards. MM will eventually abandon the run.

6: MM will make no mistakes in game management, except for abanding the run. "Short passes are like running plays to us," he will explain.

7: MM's game management skills will win 4 more games for the team this year than last year. Kicker Dave Rayner will cost us 3 close games.

8: DriveKILLer will have an average day, and will be made out to be a superhero as a result. He will drop at least TWO passes on third down.

9: Harris and Woodson will shut down all comers, despite Woodson's extensive shit sucking in the preason. Mushin will be catchless.

10: The Packers will have 5 turnovers. At least 3 will be INTs, by Nick Collins, Charles Woodson and Al Harris.

11: Poppinga and Hawk will reduce Wrex Grosswoman to a quivering pile of (broken) bones, early. It will be one of those "Joe Theismann" type injuries, with an audible "SNAP!" The Bears will end up trading him for Chad Pennington, in an effort to get more durability.

12: The special teams coverage will suck. The bears will get good field position all day and take one to the house.

13: Ryan will average 60 yards per punt, with a 2 second hang time, including one badass shank of 12-15 yards in a key situation. He will also have one punt blocked.

14: Hodge will hit people hard and repeatedly in relief action. He'll make Monday Night's "Jacked Up" segment.

15: Ahmad "Flagboy" Carroll will have 5 penatlies, 3 for defensive holding and 2 for taunting and generally dumbassery.

16: Ahman Green will funble 3 times, and will drop 5 passes.

17: My hot girlfriend will be topless by halftime. She'll be making me whiskey sours. Dave Wallen's "44 year old supermodel girlfriends" will be wearing Favre masks in his trailer.

18: We'll get to see Aaron Rodgers before the day is out. He will look good, if not great. But Favre will be back next week.

19: Robert Ferugson will puss out over the middle. Ruvell Martin will catch one deep. Jennings will have TWO big plays.

20: The Bears will repeatedly blitz, trying to take advantage of our rookie guards. They will be successful, but will get burned for some big plays by Favre, Driver, Jennings and Green. If Henderson can play, he will help stymie the blitz.

21: I'll forget to bring a blank DVD to my hot girlfriend's house, but she'll have one for me when I get there, so I'll be able to burn the game. Maybe we'll have a baby.

22: The Packers will have 6 (coverage) sacks today, including the one that ends Grosswoman's career.

23: Griese will be hungover.